A "Parenting" Pumpkin
Cheesecake Recipe
Cheesecake Recipe
by David Leonhardt
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NOTE: This article is humorous, but the recipe is real...and
real good!!!
Whoever writes all those fancy cookbooks has never been a
parent. To begin with, the pages are never spill-proof, almost
guaranteeing that somewhere in the middle of mixing
ingredients, Little Helper will spill something and cover up the
remaining two ingredients listed. This means that parents
must learn to improvise.
Some would suggest that the very thrill of cooking is
experimentation. So what’s the big difference between
oregano and cayenne pepper, anyway?
Then there are all those "quick" recipes to "serve your
family" gracing the pages of women's magazines. NO recipe
is quick with Little Helper's assistance.
For the benefit of parents everywhere, I have taken my
favorite pumpkin cheesecake recipe and translated it into
parentease. The non-parent version is available in Cooking
By The Book -- a free bonus I offer with every purchase of
The Get Happy Workbook.
Harvest Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake Recipe (Parenting Version)
Mix one cup of ginger snap cookie crumbs and one
tablespoon of olive oil. Add more cookie crumbs to make up
for the ones that disappeared about the same time your Little
Helper walked into the kitchen.
Press the crumby oil mixture ... "Sorry, Little Helper distracted
me." Press the oily crumb mixture into the bottom of a 9-inch
spring-form pan, and up around the edges about one inch.
Put it in the refrigerator to cool – best to slip it in safely
behind the broccoli and that thing that's been turning bluish
green for three weeks, in case Little Helper gets inspired
Soften three bricks of cream cheese, ideally in the
microwave. If you can't separate the cheese from Little
Helper's hands, let her keep doing what she's doing until the
cheese is good and soft. Cream the cheese with one and a
half cups of pureed pumpkin, three large eggs, two
tablespoons of cream, and one cup of brown sugar. Keep
mixing until creamy.
Add one teaspoon of vanilla extract. If you are fortunate
enough to have help at this stage, you have three options:
Rename it " Harvest Pumpkin and Vanilla Cheesecake".
Try scooping out the extra cup of vanilla Little Helper poured
in for you.
Start over.
You will also need to add a tablespoon of cinnamon. If Little
Helper is in a generous mood, don't worry. You still have
three options:
Rename it " Harvest Pumpkin and Cinnamon Cheesecake".
Try scooping out the extra pile of cinnamon Little Helper
poured in for you.
Bang your head against the counter and start over.
There is also a tablespoon of ground ginger to add. Sorry
about that. Don't worry, you still have three options...again:
Rename it " Harvest Pumpkin and Ginger Cheesecake".
Scoop out as best you can the extra heap of ginger Little
Helper added for you.
Bang your head twice on the counter and start over.
I almost hate to mention this, but you'll need to add a
teaspoon of ground nutmeg. And a half teaspoon of salt. And
a half teaspoon of allspice. Go ahead and bang your head
some more if it makes you feel better.
The Parenting Failsafe Recipe for Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake
Fortunately, there is a parening failsafe. It is sort of like a
"get out of jail free card". Look in the bowl. Observe the
quantity of creamy things. Observe the quantity of spicy
things.
If the quantity of creamy things is even slightly greater than
the quantity of spicy things, keep going and pretend you
didn't have any help. Maybe nobody will notice. If the quantity
of spicy things is greater than the quantity of creamy things,
open another can of pureed pumpkin. Hmm...and another.
Keep adding cans of pureed pumpkin until creamy things are
greater than spicy things -- or until your grocer runs out of
cans.
Is this a great pumpkin cheesecake recipe, or what?
Pour the pumpkin filling into the crust. Note, if you had to add
too many cans of pureed pumpkin, this could get messy. I
recommend hip-waders...especially for Little Helper.
Cook at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for about 50 minutes or
until the top is slightly brown and almost as cracked as your
head and the counter. Do NOT let Little Helper eat the cake
while it is still in the oven. This is considered dangerous by
nine out of ten electricians and seven major oven
manufacturers.
Let it air cool in a safe place -- like at a neighbor's house --
then refrigerate overnight
Just before serving, top with whipped cream and sprinkle with
pecans. Oops. I just wrote that last line in non-parentease. It
should read: "Now that the whipped cream is polished off,
shake the remaining sprinkles on the cake. Unless Little
Helper ate them, too.
Now you can sit down and enjoy your Harvest Pumpkin Pie
Cheesecake (Parenting Version). Oh yes, don't forget to
laminate this page to avoid more impromptu experimentation
in the future.
real good!!!
Whoever writes all those fancy cookbooks has never been a
parent. To begin with, the pages are never spill-proof, almost
guaranteeing that somewhere in the middle of mixing
ingredients, Little Helper will spill something and cover up the
remaining two ingredients listed. This means that parents
must learn to improvise.
Some would suggest that the very thrill of cooking is
experimentation. So what’s the big difference between
oregano and cayenne pepper, anyway?
Then there are all those "quick" recipes to "serve your
family" gracing the pages of women's magazines. NO recipe
is quick with Little Helper's assistance.
For the benefit of parents everywhere, I have taken my
favorite pumpkin cheesecake recipe and translated it into
parentease. The non-parent version is available in Cooking
By The Book -- a free bonus I offer with every purchase of
The Get Happy Workbook.
Harvest Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake Recipe (Parenting Version)
Mix one cup of ginger snap cookie crumbs and one
tablespoon of olive oil. Add more cookie crumbs to make up
for the ones that disappeared about the same time your Little
Helper walked into the kitchen.
Press the crumby oil mixture ... "Sorry, Little Helper distracted
me." Press the oily crumb mixture into the bottom of a 9-inch
spring-form pan, and up around the edges about one inch.
Put it in the refrigerator to cool – best to slip it in safely
behind the broccoli and that thing that's been turning bluish
green for three weeks, in case Little Helper gets inspired
Soften three bricks of cream cheese, ideally in the
microwave. If you can't separate the cheese from Little
Helper's hands, let her keep doing what she's doing until the
cheese is good and soft. Cream the cheese with one and a
half cups of pureed pumpkin, three large eggs, two
tablespoons of cream, and one cup of brown sugar. Keep
mixing until creamy.
Add one teaspoon of vanilla extract. If you are fortunate
enough to have help at this stage, you have three options:
Rename it " Harvest Pumpkin and Vanilla Cheesecake".
Try scooping out the extra cup of vanilla Little Helper poured
in for you.
Start over.
You will also need to add a tablespoon of cinnamon. If Little
Helper is in a generous mood, don't worry. You still have
three options:
Rename it " Harvest Pumpkin and Cinnamon Cheesecake".
Try scooping out the extra pile of cinnamon Little Helper
poured in for you.
Bang your head against the counter and start over.
There is also a tablespoon of ground ginger to add. Sorry
about that. Don't worry, you still have three options...again:
Rename it " Harvest Pumpkin and Ginger Cheesecake".
Scoop out as best you can the extra heap of ginger Little
Helper added for you.
Bang your head twice on the counter and start over.
I almost hate to mention this, but you'll need to add a
teaspoon of ground nutmeg. And a half teaspoon of salt. And
a half teaspoon of allspice. Go ahead and bang your head
some more if it makes you feel better.
The Parenting Failsafe Recipe for Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake
Fortunately, there is a parening failsafe. It is sort of like a
"get out of jail free card". Look in the bowl. Observe the
quantity of creamy things. Observe the quantity of spicy
things.
If the quantity of creamy things is even slightly greater than
the quantity of spicy things, keep going and pretend you
didn't have any help. Maybe nobody will notice. If the quantity
of spicy things is greater than the quantity of creamy things,
open another can of pureed pumpkin. Hmm...and another.
Keep adding cans of pureed pumpkin until creamy things are
greater than spicy things -- or until your grocer runs out of
cans.
Is this a great pumpkin cheesecake recipe, or what?
Pour the pumpkin filling into the crust. Note, if you had to add
too many cans of pureed pumpkin, this could get messy. I
recommend hip-waders...especially for Little Helper.
Cook at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for about 50 minutes or
until the top is slightly brown and almost as cracked as your
head and the counter. Do NOT let Little Helper eat the cake
while it is still in the oven. This is considered dangerous by
nine out of ten electricians and seven major oven
manufacturers.
Let it air cool in a safe place -- like at a neighbor's house --
then refrigerate overnight
Just before serving, top with whipped cream and sprinkle with
pecans. Oops. I just wrote that last line in non-parentease. It
should read: "Now that the whipped cream is polished off,
shake the remaining sprinkles on the cake. Unless Little
Helper ate them, too.
Now you can sit down and enjoy your Harvest Pumpkin Pie
Cheesecake (Parenting Version). Oh yes, don't forget to
laminate this page to avoid more impromptu experimentation
in the future.
David Leonhardt publishes The Happy Guy humor column.
Get a free humor ebook with your purchase of Climb Your
Stairway to Heaven. Check out also the free A Daily Dose
of Happiness ezine David Leonhardt also runs a Liquid
Vitamins website.
Get a free humor ebook with your purchase of Climb Your
Stairway to Heaven. Check out also the free A Daily Dose
of Happiness ezine David Leonhardt also runs a Liquid
Vitamins website.